22 February 2003
Once again I sit here with much to say but uncertain what should be said and what can be said. I spent some time reading Art Katz’s book, Apostolic Foundations, and find myself struck by how accurate his words are, though I am slightly bothered by his writing style, which is most often founded not in citations but his experience. I can accept this, however, for he writes truthfully; and more often than not, my desire for citations and evidence for assertioins are not based in my thirst for truth but my own pride, which is unwilling to accept a man’s thoughts blindly. Experience is evidence and does not need to be accepted blindly. But accepting it at all requires some humility, for doing so admits that someone else’s experience might be more valid than your own.
But the concept of apostolicity is overwhelms and fascinates me: I believe this is what I seek in the church today, not the mind-numbing foolishness which is regarded as wisdom. What exactly am I refering to when I write this (see, I need to be wary of making statements such as these without actually knowing what I refer to)? I believe I refer to the faith we have in our programs and our time-tables and our methods. Our faith in our “pentecostialism” or revival or even our faith. I am refering to how shallowly we seem to understand God and his methods and how dissimilar our churches are from the New Testament church. Our authority is so weak, both over man and demon. We have the appearance of authority without its corresponding actuality. (That sounded very “Art Katz-ish”) We shout - but the mountains do not move. We command - but nothing actually occurs. Then we praise God as if these events had occured and continue to repeat them ad nausium. Where is the God of the Hebrews, the one who split the seas, the one who is master of all? I do not see Him in this church, in this people. This God - HE is worthy of worship, worthy of glory, worthy of praise. And it is only HE whom I can serve.
My God! What has become of this church? How have we decended into this mediocracy? Even worse - we are not just mediocre. We have become a parody of what should be, a show which mimics the real thing. It is a sign of the times. We watch television and confuse reality with entertainment, assuming that the television world is how things should be. In the same way, we go to church and watch the show, even participate in the show. And we therefore confuse the show with the reality: and assume that the plastic perfection the church offers is what really should be. God! May you forgive us all for this act of foolishness - for we are a foolish generation, lost and wandering, without a memory of who you are, or memory of where you might be. Seek us out and find us, and draw us unto you again.
After writing this, all the other items I planned on writing on seem insignificant, so I will merely note them. As I was driving here, I began to wonder why I seem to believe that repressing my emotions (such as anger) and pretending that they do not exist is the path I should take. I believe that is not right, not true at all. While I should have self-control, I do not believe God would have me be false with Him or myself. Anger is part of the human experience: even Christ, in specific contexts, behaved as if it was a true and good emotion. Since God is calling us to become more fully who we are (which is, in some way, more human or more as he originally called us to be), I should not push away the fullness of emotions which comprise the human experience. I should rather embrace them and call God to make them sanctified. I want to be full - and becoming a emotionally dead person will not do that. I wonder what it means to live a life to its fullest, or to have life more abundantly. Does that mean that everything in life is magnified? That the joys become more joyful and the sorrows more sorrowful and the love more loving? If so, I cannot pretend that emotion is a negative - even the “negative” emotions. Rather, I must allow God to sanctify and intensify them until I am whole.