I’m leaving town for the next several weeks, and so I’m uncertain how much internet access I’ll have. What means that my blogging will probably be limited to one or two posts (at the most) per week - and perhaps less than that. I know, it isn’t like I do much more than that on a regular basis, but at least I have an excuse this time!
I’m not sure when I’m getting back. It could be one to three weeks.
It’s sardonically amusing how well these journals reflect the state of my mind. It’s not surprising, really, or at least it shouldn’t be. Of course my writings should reflect who I am. Yet at the same time, as I think about it, the journals reflect me in ways I never had intended. The things I write about (or do not write about), and my manner of writing all reflect who I am at any given moment. These things may reflect me better than the actual words I write.
My journals are generally disconnected from reality – though not mystical. Instead, they tend to be primarily concerned with abstract thoughts rather than the solid events of the day to day world. Even my more “solid” concerns tended to deal with abstract problems rather than concrete concerns. Perhaps this is a bad way to put it, but I seem to be more concerned with understanding than observing. Read on...
In the back of my mind, I’ve been mulling a question: what is it that I search for? What is the thing I lack, and am constantly looking for? I’m beginning to believe that more than anything, I search for myself.
Several pieces of evidence lead me to this conclusion. First, I largely seek and desire affirmation from others. And when that affirmation is lacking (or I perceive an attack), I retreat to a well of self-pity. Why would someone seek affirmation? Why do children desire to know that they are loved and good? At least partially because it gives them meaning. They can identify themselves as “good” or “loved” and begin to identify themselves as “good” or “loved” or “unloved”. Children want to know what they are, and their parents prove them with that identity.
To some extent, that is still true with many adults. But some still seek that affirmation, because they – in all probability – have never developed a strong sense of self. Their identity is still formed by other’s opinions. Admittedly, I have not tested anyone to prove this point, but there is observational support.
Read on...
I’m in an odd position. My body is worn out from fighting a could for several days, but since I’ve napped a lot today, my mind is not the least bit tired. Ergo, my body screams, “Sleep! Do it!” and my mind says, “Nope! And to be especially annoying, I’m also not going to let you think clearly, since the cold is annoying me.”
There you have it. I can’t think and write anything interesting because of the cold, which makes my body want to sleep. But because my mind is awake, I have to be awake. But I can’t think clearly because of the cold. Its an irritating, cyclical situation.
Yeah, I’m still out of town. And since I do most of my writing when in town, in my local coffeeshop, I haven’t much to say. But I am here. And still blogging irregularly.
Its slightly better. Still working on it, when I have the chance (I’m visiting some friends for the week, so I don’t have access to any of my original files, in order to discover what it was I actually was doing in the first place).
EDIT: It’s much better. I’ll probably redo the blog design when I get home, anyway - there are many Wordpress options that I’d like to encorporate.
Obviously, my page looks different. I’ve changed my blogger from b2 to Wordpress, which is the new official derivitive. Therefore, I need to change my template file to match the new blogger - so be patient while I do that.
EDIT:
It might not be until tonight. Windows XP keeps freaking out on me.
DUAL EDIT:
Yeah, its nearly 4AM. I’m going to bed. The blog looks better, which isn’t saying much. I’m going out of town for several days, but will do what I can to fix the problem while I’m away.
Truth does not become more true by virtue of the fact that the entire world agrees with it, nor less so even if the whole world disagrees with it.
- Maimonides
I’m currently at Taylor University, the college I graduated from. Having been graduated for two years, its an odd return - the place remains the same, but most of the faces have changed. Its a true adage: the more things change, the more things stay the same. The faces have changed, but somehow the college has not... its almost exactly how I remember, plus a couple of new buildings.
It makes me wonder if the same thing is true in my life: the more I seem to change, do I remain even more the same? Have I actually been changing and developing, or am I merely growing on some foundation I cannot see, becoming more the person I’ve sought to avoid?
There’s a beautiful scene outside of the coffee shop window. The sun has broken through the cloud cover and is shining only upon the various land strips which extend into the water. Its really a beautiful sight – and it makes me wish I carried a camera with me...
I’ve no idea what is to become of me, nor what direction my life must go. I’ll most likely spend some time traveling, experiencing, and living. I want to know what it means to be alive. I know I’m being redundant in my journals, because I’m constantly saying that; yet it is so important to me. Christ did come to give life and that abundantly – and while I do not fully understand what that means, I am certain that I have not experienced that, except briefly. And I want to experience it and live it...
I love language – the idea of it fascinates me. It’s such a beautiful thing. And I’m glad that I’ve learned, lately, that the pleasure I derive from learning is not a bad thing or something to be shunned. I have Bob to thank for that. He’s so enthusiastic about learning and thought (even though he has less time to devote to it) that his example has allowed me to come to this conclusion. It’s freeing, really. In high school, I felt vaguely guilty about enjoying learning, as if it was a sinful pleasure, one that would result in my rejection, if anyone found out. Realistically, that was probably a correct assumption. Few people these days appreciate learning – and even fewer people in high schools, I’m sure. Some of it is immaturity. Some of it is the perception (and reality) that most intelligent people are geeks. But, unfortunately, that perception and peer pressure has caused me to be less productive with my life than I could have been.
Had I felt that learning was a good thing, my life would have taken a different slant. I’d be father along now, and would have been able to advance further in my studies. You know, I wonder if my confusion came, at least in part, from my teachers – few of whom seemed to have any interest in learning at all. Except for Bob, and perhaps Mr. Neubarth, I never came in contact with the idea of “love of learning”. Perhaps I was not in tune enough to see it, for Mr. Dissmore obviously loved learning music. But that is a different type of learning, involving a different part of the mind. Overwhelming it all was the sense that learning resulted in rejection. If I’d know more teachers of a different opinion, it could have overcome that irrational thought.
I also wonder why we (as a culture) have abandoned much of the classical mode of learning. As I read through C.S. Lewis’ autobiography, I find myself growing jealous. The child Lewis’ had the opportunity to know French, Greek. Latin, and German, and know them well. I know a phase of Spanish and can translate Greek from a book. My life would be greatly enriched if I knew more languages, and I wish I had the chance as a child.
Granted, this is an adult looking back into his childhood. As a child, I would not have understood these things and would have hated the idea – primarily because of the negative views of learning I had developed. But I can remember enjoying aspects of learning, like when I, in sixth grade, whipped through my Math book in about two weeks. I enjoyed that, though its hard to isolate why. I enjoyed it for the accomplishment, and because it was easy for me, and because, for some reason, I enjoyed doing the math. Why is that? Perhaps I forgot how “negative” learning was, and went with my impulse to enjoy it. Perhaps, for once, I embraced the challenge and intentionally challenged myself. Both have always been rare impulses for me, yet also inherent to who I am. I need to continue to realize who I am, rather than who I’ve forced myself to become. And it is as difficult to separate the two as it was to combine them.
Not so much. But I am excited: I purchased a couple of books today. One of them has to do with Quantum Gravity and String Theory (theories which I’d love to know more about) and another is on the theory of language - another topic which I’m fascinated by. I somehow feel that if I can understand language, I can understand humanity, being that language is the core element of human society. Perhaps language isn’t the key to understanding humanity (after all, the key to knowing anything is to know its creator) but language is nevertheless a topic of interest to me.
The final book I bought is “Surprised by Joy” - C.S. Lewis’ autobiography. I read it several years ago in a bookstore, and have never gotten around to buying it. Its a great book and interests me specifically because I want to know about the life of Lewis’ - who he was, and how he became himself. I love to learn about the living of life. I want to see a life in action and learn from decisions and choices, and see what becomes of the paths we walk. This is why I enjoy hearing about people’s lives, why I love to hear about people’s callings, about the decisions people make. The stories help me understand others. They help me understand myself.
Anyway, “Surprised by Joy” is a great book. Read it and learn.
I’ve been wondering, lately, what is causing my difficulty in thought – my sense that my mind is capable of so much more, yet every straining and never attaining. I wonder if it is at least partially a spiritual matter, a result of some current sin my life which prevents clear thought. That may be part of it – both in a spiritual and psychological sense. It just seems like I am missing leaps of thought which I should be able to connect. And thus I strain my mind, and strain my mind and hope and wait for that day.
I wonder if it is at least partially a result of a lack of love, in the godly sense. I’ve noticed that love has a strong effect on the mind – when one loves (generally, things: or even what he is doing), one’s mind is clearer, makes leaps which are larger, and is generally more healthy. This is not always the case, but is generally true.
It is not bad that I am forced to push my mind so hard. What is bad is that I seem unable to push past the intellectual boundaries of what I currently think, into the land of what I should think. It is hard, frustrating, and aggravating. And I wonder if my mind will ever be able to stretch that far, or whether I will constantly be frustrated by its own limitations. I hope and pray not.
I’m not sure if this frustration is something everyone shares, or just myself, or whether I am in any way unique in this particular struggle. The best parallel I can give is this: my mind is akin to a large television with bad reception. There is a constant overlay of static which prevents any complete viewing of what is on. It, at times, seems almost like a literal buzz within my mind, a thickness which prevents thought.