29 November 2003

“A blazing bush drew Moses; a blazing Church will attract the world, so that from its midst they will hear the voice of the living God.”
-Leonard Ravenhill

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27 November 2003

Heya folks - just wanted to wish you all a happy Thankgiving. Enjoy your turkey, because we’re having chicken!

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26 November 2003

What enables us to determine the different from a word from God and one which is given from the flesh? Artificial Drama? It’s hard to deny a certain level of drama in a true word - but it isn’t the kind of drama which requires construction. The deep sighs, the dramatic pauses of some who purport to give “words of God” bother me for that reason.

A good personal test would be this: does it (the word) make me feel strong and powerful, or weak and broken? If it humbles the speaker of the word, it is likely to be a word of God... because the power of God’s voice is no respector of persons. If the word feeds my pride, it is almost certainly not a word from the Lord.

I’d consider people who say things along the line of, “Thus saith the Lord” to be creating artificial drama. Either the authority is in the words and apparent, or it is not. As far as I can recall (and I may be wrong about this), God tends to specifically instruct people to use his name (many times, to the prophets, he says, “Tell them, ‘Thus saith the lord’”). I suspect that people who believe their word is from God are far too willing to place his name behind it, because they feel it should just be like that. But to lend the Lord’s name to any word is to place the authority that name behind it. God forbid that I ever be willing to use his name as vainly as that.

But this is all vague, and doesn’t provide the clear-cut answers that I’m looking for. Of course, that is understandable: God is not empirical in nature and rarely does the same thing twice. But I’d be wary of anyone who flaunts the Lord’s name. Jews understand this concept, though they (as with many truths) have taken it to illogical conclusions. But there is power in a name. And there is danger in using it without call to do so. Perhaps this is why so many in our culture consider Christians to be fools - because we so often speak words which on the surface seem wise and good, but are not God-given... but we attribute them to our Lord.

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25 November 2003

If you haven’t heard Skillet’s new cd, Collide”, you really should. I love the lyrics to this song, “Imperfection”, for obvious reasons.

Your worth so much
It’ll never be enough to see what you have to give
How beautiful you are
Yet seem so far from everything you’re wanting to be

Verse 3:
You’re worth so much
So easily crushed
Wanna be like everyone else
No one escapes
Every breathe we take dealing with our own skeletons

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23 November 2003

I went into the bookstore (Barnes’ and Noble’s) looking for a book on memory. I’ve been noticing, lately, that my memory is not what expect it to be. In other words, I expect nothing less than to remember everything, and that obviously is not occurring. So, I went out in search for a book on memory. In the process, I discovered several things.

As a skimmed through several books, I concluded that memory is apparently based more on conscious effort than unconscious effort. The books I read focused on the usage of mnemonic devices. This surprised me. I expected good memory to be based more on natural ability than tools which anyone could use. This humbled me.

It’s odd that a discovery like that could humble me, but it did, for this reason: I want my skills to be such that they are not able to be replicated. It irritates me therefore, that someone could buy the same book and learn the same skill as I – a skill I had thought to be distinct and special. What good would it be to have a perfect memory, if someone could, through merely time and effort (not some special ability), gain it?

Of course, that reveals the problem: I want to grow and develop, but not if that means learning from others and especially not if the things I learn can also be learned by others. I want genius, and I want it to be distinctive and unable to be replicated. I want to be distinct.

Let’s be honest. My very existence makes me distinct. I am not defined by my skills or abilities, but rather by my existence and the distinct blend of these things. It’s the whole identity issue rearing its ugly head. I was driven to learn more about memory not entirely because I wanted better memory (though that is partially true), but because good memory could potentially used to create a better image of myself. Image. I often seek that over reality, I think, because reality is too harsh. Its like doesn’t allow for creative interpretation. Reality is merely reality. And reality can only be seen through the one who has power over it.

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22 November 2003

I see what draws people to religions of ritual such as Islam. We all have our rituals. Some people need their coffee in the morning to get them going and when they don’t get coffee, their entire day is thrown off. While the coffee provides a certain pick-me-up, it is the ritual they miss more than the coffee.

Ritual has power. It seems to give a certain sense of control, whether people realize it or not. That cup of coffee is a ritual act of will which sets the day off on the right foot – an act proving control over whatever occurs. It’s almost evidence, of a sort, proving to the person that, yeah, they can control their own destinies.

That is, to me, the attraction of ritual religion. Islam is one, with their daily prayers and yearly fasts. The patterns serve to give people a sense of control or a sense of power. Tribal religions depend on ritual for more magical control – but the resulting sense of control is there, still the same, after the completion of the ritual. Catholicism’s rituals also provide much the same sense. So do rituals in the more dead Christian circles.

The point is, I feel myself drawn to ritual. I want to do something to gain control of my life. I want to do something to give myself the power to go on. I want to do something to gain power. And ritual religion can give me a sense of all these things. It is also possible that it can give me a dark reality of these things. But not the real thing.

God doesn’t demand ritual. He demands our hearts. He demands death to ourselves. Ritual makes us feel better, but does not provide what God intended. I can do nothing to gain God’s favor, nor can my rituals succeed in giving myself life. But ritual calls to me… it tells me that it would feel better and be a far easier way. It would be to a point, but it would be the way of death.

It’s hard to be torn between the desire to acknowledge God for all that he truly is, and the desire to disavow any knowledge of his existence. I want to be an atheist – and that’s the truth. It’s a desire, not based on fact. A desire which comes from a deeper desire to gain control of my life. I’m not sure that anyone is truly an atheist or a Christian based on fact. I think that people’s beliefs are as much based on their desires as anything else. I, however, have the desire to know God and disbelieve him. I know, from what I’ve seen of his actions in the past, that their must be a God. Unfortunately, my heart betrays me.

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19 November 2003

Is Christianity the only religion not based on man working to get to God? The idea of a works-based religion makes more sense to me. After all, why would a god reach out and set in place a system of salvation which is wholly dependant on him? It would make more sense to set up a system where human’s use their own efforts, rather than the efforts of God.

it would make more sense because:

1) Its all our fault. (This is more or less true in all of the major religions I’m aware of - Islam, for one. Even Hinduism says that our consciousness is our own fault). Therefore, if we broke it, we should fix it. It’s not necessarily God’s responsibility. He might (for whatever reason) give us the path to redeem ourselves. But even that’s not required of him.

2) After all, the creature does not necessarily have any responsibility for his creation, since he defines the rules. It’s his call whether to be responsible or not.

3) The nature of the world indicates, from experience, that effort will bring better things. We struggle to achieve greater things. Therefore, we should struggle to achieve salvation.

Basically, if ‘god’ is impersonal and uncaring, our efforts are the only way to heaven (Unless he has some ulterior motive). This changes dramatically if God becomes personal and caring. Essentially, it seems to me that Christianity is distinct in such a way, though I tend to desire more of a “works-based” system, since I think it tends to be easier. More on that later.

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Well, I’ve returned home from an extended time away and now that I have internet access on a more perminant basis, the posting will increase tenfold. At the very least it will increase. That will begin tomorrow. I’m tired now.

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06 November 2003

Just finished an excellent book: My Name is Asher Lev by Chaim Potok. If you want to better understand Jewish culture, Potok is the way to go. Not only do his writings give insight, but they’re just plain good. It is, in its essence, the depiction of a Hacidic Jew’s struggle between his religion and his calling.

I’ve read a number of books over the last week or so. But this is, perhaps, bests them all.

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03 November 2003

You know, I’ve made a discovery. I realized that confidence is not necessarily derived from knowledge. In other words, the confident person does not necessarily know more than the unconfident person. The confident person is often just... more confident.

This is revolutionary, in a way for me. I have a difficult time being confident unless I am fully informed on a situation, or a topic -- because I don’t want to speak out on something I do not fully understand myself. But most people are not like that - and I’ve always assumed they merely knew more than me about whatever they were talking about. But that’s not the case.

Anyway, that makes me think, and realize that I’m not necessarily ignorant. And it makes me think that I can allow myself to be more confident in life, without having a ‘full’ knowledge of it. It’s ok. After all, my confidence should be derived from God... which is enough thought for some other post.

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Rather interesting. I’m writing this post from an internet cafe in a medium sized town in Indiana. And there is a guy just across the room who seems to enjoy singing to himself in a poor manner. It would be funny if that wasn’t, from time to time, replaced by talking on a phone about two times as loud as necessary. I’d gouge his eyes out, if I though the problem was his eyes. It’s not. The problem is his ears and mouth, and you sure as heck can’t gouge those out.

Anyway, my trip has been good so far. I’ve been making money, and it looks more likely that I’ll be able to travel across to Europe sometime soon. I look forward to the opportunity to do that.

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